Middle finger. Common sense would tell you that Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler is likely greeting a pesky paparazzi with his middle digit. However, that explanation is both too logical and too mundane. Rather, I like to believe that some Lions fan just witnessed Cutler stumble on a crack in the sidewalk and asked if Cutler was going to be okay or if he needed to sit out the entire season because of his boo-boo. Or maybe a Packers fan asked him if he got a breed of dog that fits his toughness.
Dog Breed. Cutler's dog appears to be a Norwich Terrier, a dog bred to hunt small vermin (a bit ironic). They say dog owners tend to have dogs that match their personality. So what can we expect of this Norwich Terrier? Taken directly from wikipedia:
"They are eager to please but have definite minds of their own. They are sensitive to scolding."Sound familiar, Jay?
In other words, look out, shrew-relative Josh McCown."If introduced to other household pets as a puppy they generally co-habit peacefully, though caution should be observed around rodent pets as they may be mistaken for prey."
Sweatpants. Ohhhhhh, yes, the sweatpants. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself a nice pair of sweatpants, and I would even walk my theoretical dog around my theoretical nice neighborhood sporting a comfy pair of sweatpants. But Cutler's sweatpants are in stark contrast to his perfectly coiffed hair, crew-neck tee, and "fashionable" Bears-orange Nike shoes. Sweatpants are rightfully reserved for the sloppy-haired, pit-stained men of America (or the theoretical women who stay the night at my place). How dare you try and infringe on our culture, Mr. Cutler.
The Creeper. Looking a little closer, you may notice that Mr. Cutler is not alone. Sure there is wandering student in the background who appears to be looking for the nearest Jimmy John's. But there is also a bracelet-equipped lady (presumably), standing DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU, JAY! LOOK OUT! Is this lady hiding from the cameraman? Maybe. Is she secretly going to shank Mr. Cutler with whatever she is holding in her right hand which may be an ordinary phone (or purse/lady wallet?) but very well could be a "spy-phone" that morphs into a combat knife when activated by a code word like "viceroy" or something bad-ass like that? My God, I hope so. Either way, I must know more about the creepahhhh
Hidden object. I nearly passed over the final minutiae of this photograph even after my first 20 viewings. But if you look closely, Cutler is holding two objects in his left hand: the dog leash and an unidentified polka-dotted object. For your convenience, I zoomed in on the object using high-tech, police image enhancing equipment they call "paint".
1) A case for his crack pipe. I know for a fact that Cutler has luggage that directly matches this design, so it only makes sense that this, too, is meant for holding an object. I ask that Commissioner Goodell look into the matter and call for an immediate drug test of Cutler. We must save the sanctity of the league and protect scum like Cutler from our children. The sweatpants corroborate this theory.
2) Lipstick tube. This is for when Jay goes out at night as his alter ego: Jayme Cutleress. In this scenario, he frequenting attends drag bars prepping for his upcoming audition for Ru Paul's Drag Race (which may or may not be a guilty, guilty pleasure of mine). This theory would also explain the hair.
3) Sex toy. I mean, look at the shape...it's gotta be, right?
If you have any information, evidence, or theories pertaining to this photograph, please provide them below and I will do my best to pass it along to the authorities. Let's crack this thing wide open.